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How to Own the Road: Aggressive Driving 101

Posted: April 15, 2003 23:10:14 • 820 words
Note: This is a work of satire and sarcasm.

In my travels, I have seen many different driving styles. There are those who always obey the laws of the road, staying within the posted speed limit and never revert to using profanity against their fellow drivers, tempting as it may be. There are those who are self-described as "average" drivers, slightly pushing legal limits, weaseling out of tickets, and flying the occasional non-verbal swear at those who wrong them. These two groups are fairly tame in the eyes of the traffic cop and the student driver, and are relatively uninteresting in the prospect of an essay, which brings us to group number three: the road owners.

These are people who appear to have control of every road in the world, from the urban superhighway to the dirt road in Nowhere, TX. Somehow, these people have taken control of public highways, and they spare no effort to remind the rest of us that we are inferior, that we are intruding onto their turf and we must obey their rules through a form of telepathy or be punished. It has been my observation that members of this group have nearly identical driving styles, and logic leads to the conclusion that there must be a "Road Owner's Handbook" somewhere. Exhaustive research has turned up empty-handed, so I have compiled as much of this elusive handbook as I can based on my observations of the road-owners.

First of all, never obey the posted speed limits. They are for the purpose of keeping newbies under control, and they are not to be trusted. A speed limit of 25 MPH in an obviously little-used residential street is absurd, especially when a speedometer goes up to around 120-150 MPH. Likewise, interstate highways are places to test your high-speed driving skills, and those who follow the 65 MPH speed limit are merely obstacles to use when honing your skills. If you weren't meant to go that fast, the speedometer wouldn't go that high, right?

Secondly, you must have the proper vehicle. A luxury car that weighs two tons is simply not acceptable. In order to qualify for road ownership, you must have a car that signifies your dominance over the lowly "obstacles" who happen to be there. The ideal car is an oversized SUV. This represents your brute strength and financial stability by showing the world that you have an extra $50,000 to buy a car that dwarfs the competition. Sports cars are second-best, because they can easily outperform everyone else. Imported cars are the best, but domestic cars are better for the nation.

When someone ahead of you is obeying the posted speed limit on your road, should you just let them get away with it? Of course not! The proper procedure in this case is tricky but effective. Approach them from behind as quickly as possible, and then slow down to match their speed after coming mere inches from their bumper. This will give them a good scare, and will most likely force them to pull over and allow you to pass them. If they don't get the message, use any methods available to get their attention and exercise your right of ownership. Blink your high-beam lights, use hand gestures, weave as if you were going to pass them, and honk the horn. Eventually, they will grow tired of maintaining their insolence and yield to your dominance.

If you are fortunate enough to be first in line at a traffic light, you have a unique opportunity to show the other drivers that they are inferior to you. Keeping the clutch pressed in (or shift to neutral in an automatic transmission), rev the engine to a high RPM, and let it fall back down. A loud muffler and intake manifold create an excellent effect here. Keep this up until the person in the next car realizes that you want to race. That person will most likely not race you, but when the light turns green, accelerate as fast as possible anyway. This way, you will have the road all to yourself until the next intersection, and you will show to those around you that you and your car are in charge.

If an intruder offends you with a gesture, or words, or both, you should not let that slide. Using the same technique used with a speed limit abider, chase the offending person down. Make sure they realize that they are using your property, and such offenses will not be allowed. Some call this road rage, but you are merely defending your property and your honor.

Perhaps if the average drivers such as ourselves took a lesson from those who seem to be in charge, then we too could have our own roads. Speeding tickets, sky-high insurance/gas bills, collision repairs, and lost licenses are a small price to pay for this great honor, aren't they?